Divorce!

So divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body. You may have a different opinion about what I am sharing, I just want to say that is totally fine I am not writing this to offend anyone or to change your views. When a man and a woman get married, they are entering into a solemn covenant with each other. You are promising to be with each and no one else. With that been said, every effort should be made to keep the promise you've made to each other to preserve your marriage.
Marriage is work, work, and more work.

On here I will list some of the reason why people might divorce each other;
1. Cheating: Many respondents said that if their partner cheated on them, they would end the relationship. Although not every couple felt this way. Some respondents indicated a willingness to work through infidelity; however, many thought they could not. The person who did the cheating may be repentant but the person who was cheated on often feels so betrayed that they can’t get past it. They continue to punish their partner for the deep hurt they feel and the relationship often crumbles.
2. Dishonesty: Some believe that dishonesty involves only those incidents when they deliberately say things they know to be untrue, so neglecting to tell the truth is not seen as dishonesty. For others, anything that can be misleading from the truth, whether verbal or simply not expressed, is viewed as a lie. Many people in happy relationships said if their spouse lied to them, they may not be able to continue the relationship.
3. Addictions: For many, an addiction is something that cannot be forgiven, particularly if in the beginning of the relationship the addiction was not known or did not exist. Some addiction deal breakers were drug and alcohol problems, gambling or pornography. In addition to the first two concerns, addictions create trust issues. Many people felt they would not be able to count on their significant other to be consistent in his/her behavior and to put the relationship before anything else.

4. Abuse: Many people stated that if their spouse hit them, or physically or sexually abused their children, the relationship would be over. While there are many people who opt to stay in physically abusive relationships and some spouses who look the other way if their children are abused by their spouse, many people would not allow themselves or their children to be abused in that way especially by someone who promised to love them. This, again, can be boiled down to a trust issue.
5. Major changes in priorities: Major changes in priorities can cause an end in a marriage. People grow and change; sometimes they grow together in the same direction and other times they grow apart. There are other people who never change and are the same person fifty years into the marriage. What can be problematic and end relationships is when one or both partners change their priorities in ways that are unacceptable to their spouse. Some people mentioned a major change in religious beliefs and practices could strain the relationship, some people talked about putting jobs or children before the marriage and yet others complained of drastic changes in friendships or relationships with in-laws.

We all have this expectation that our loved one is the person we know best, someone who will always have our back. When something happens that will shake our belief, it rocks the foundation of our relationship that we have with them.
All I want to say is that marriage is loads of patients, if you are not patient don't think that you would change. As I said before marriage is work, work, and more work. You create the kind of marriage you want to have with your spouse. When divorce comes or think of it is us giving up and wanting whats best for just you not the other person.  So don't give up keep working at it and make it work no matter what it takes.

The Key to Creative Parenting: Growing Together!

I will share with you a short poem by an Anonymous person;
If a child lives with criticism,
She learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
She learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
She learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
She learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
She learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
She learns to find love in the world.

Parenting can be frustrating and burdensome. However, when seen as an opportunity for personal growth for adults, parenting is one of the most creative and affirming experiences that life offers. It can be a mutual growth process for both parents and children. A parents lives is fulfilled through the realization of integrity in their children. With that been said, the full meaning of parenthood comes in later life.

So when we are raising children, we are given the chance to improve ourselves and to broaden our own personal horizons as we model to our children the qualities we would like to see in them. There are other times that children give parents the chance to become the parents we wish that we had.

Because each one is born with unique potentials, children develop their own personality styles, temperamental rhythms, moral values, and interests. Still parents exert strong influences on these qualities, as do peers, teachers, and society during the school years.

We are relying on the opinions of experts now than we ever have before. We need to stop relying so much on experts opinions of how to raise our children. Yes, they might have done research on how to raise children but some of these experts researches cannot be trusted. Come up with a parenting style that works for you and your family, what should matter is that it should be a parenting style that will help you and your family grow together. Growing together as a family is what parenting should always be about.

Educated Mothers

Every child can and should appreciate the value of their mother. Let me tell you a little story about my mother.

As some of you know that I am from Freetown, Sierra Leone. My mother is the not educated when it comes to going to high school, college and beyond, but one thing I can tell you is that my mother is educated in other ways that makes me appreciate her more than ever. She went to tie dying school, she self taught herself how to weave clothing. Here is what weaving is:

This was just some of the things that my mother educated herself so that she can pay for my tuition well I mean for my sister and I. From my mother I was able to learn that "mothers are the strongest role models for children's education." Because of all her hard work and wanting me to receive a higher education than she did here I am at Brigham Young University-Idaho about to finish my undergraduate degree in Psychology with an emphasis in Health Psychology. 
I am so grateful for all she does for me and the excitement she shows continuously in my education.  I love her for that and appreciate her. I am now married to a wonderful women. The smartest person I know, the most beautiful person on the face of the planet. I know that for sure one day she will be a wonderful mother and will want our children to receive all the education they can. Here is a picture of my lovely, adorable, intelligent wife.

 

Before we both decided to become eternal companions she knew what my thoughts where about education. She knows that this wont be easy but she is determined to finish her bachelors degree in something that she knows is worth studying and something that will be beneficial to our future family. I just want to stand by this word, that a women doesnt need to go to school to receive the best education. If they are willing to learn new things they can learn it as long as they put they mind to it and give it there all.

It's about Communication

I do not have much experience about this topic but I will do my best to share some information due to research that I have read and one that I feel help.

When we all get married we are blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon.
Here is a short story about couple: "Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage. One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" She would hear, "I can't believe you haven't prepared dinner again tonight!"
She would say, "What time are you coming home?" I would hear, "You better get here and help me because you're never here.""We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming"

1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.
You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.
A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.


3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.
The book of Proverbs tells us, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!" (15:23).

4. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge." Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you're not sure if your spouse is getting what you're talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: "What do you mean by that?" Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying … ?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said. The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring.

5. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.
This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We've become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by. Here is what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer:

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.

Start praying together. Pray regularly as a couple. Pray for each other in your individual prayer. The more your together and the more your pray for each other is what will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.

Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we're willing to apply some intentional principles. We've all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.

Family Crisis

What is a Family Crisis?
Family crisis are life events, present and past, that have produced change in the functional state of family members.
In this post I will focus mainly on how to defuse a family crisis within our homes.
-Active listening
Active listening is perhaps the most important technique for defusing a crisis. For many families in crisis, active listening may be all that is needed to restore family functioning. Active listening with families may involve:
-- Encouraging the expression of feelings;
-- Reflecting feelings expressed by the family;
-- Normalizing the family's reactions;
-- Conveying acceptance of the family, but not of destructive behaviors;
-- Focusing on the "here and now";
-Modeling a sense of humor and fun
Some families need to be able to relax and take themselves and their situations less seriously. Showing a sense of humor about one's own mistakes lets families know that no one is perfect and that laughter is sometimes the best medicine. Many families in crisis can benefit by setting aside time for fun or social activities.

These two to me are very important to solving and bring the family back. We never want these situations to last long, we want them to be as short as possible so that they don't take a huge toll on the family. 

This week its all about the "S" word "SEX"

I love this scripture and these verses. I just want to start out with this:

"Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (1 Cor 7:2-5). 

With that being said, I hope that we understand how marriage is something that is very important. Let us turn our attention to sex and gender differences.

Gender and Physiology 

Men and women are different. These differences are something that we debate on occasionally, when it comes to sex, they are real and very clear. However, this is something that many couples fail to reflect on and integrate into an understanding of how to be successful partners. 

Arousal patterns

As men we are quick to be aroused and also quick to achieve orgasm. The "spike" rises sharply and drops off just as sharply. Research has found that "men are especially aroused visually". Women are aroused more slowly and after achieving orgasm, they tend to remain at a high plateau of arousal before dropping off.

As you have read above these are very different physiological patterns. NO wonder why it is very challenging for couples to really experience mutual satisfaction. We cannot and must not ignore these; instead we must and should incorporate them into our lovemaking process. The simplest way to do this is, regardless of who initiates the foreplay, is for men to focus on pleasuring their wives, bringing them to an initial orgasm before focus is given to bringing the male to orgasm. 

If you don't mind me, I would like to share some of my views on this matter. Being raised as a Latter-Day Saint is a wonderful thing, as we are taught that sexual intimacy is very sacred and it's between a man and a woman legally and lawfully married. In some LDS homes this topic is not allowed. I will say no. This is a topic that should be spoken about at home. Why, you may ask? Because if your kids learn it somewhere else, they won't feel comfortable talking to you about it since you never talked to them about it. I get that we all want to be that parent who their child loves. But this is one of the most important things to gain that and build great communication patterns with them. The "S" word is not supposed to be a taboo in LDS homes.

Parents need to know that “It is not just a talk about sexuality; it’s a conversation about our God-given feelings and our aspirations of what we can become as families.” —Lee Gibbons. Whatever your hesitations or fears are, it is vital that you discuss sexual intimacy with your children on an ongoing basis. Children and teenagers are regularly bombarded with damaging ideas about sex, and you have the opportunity to help them create a positive, gospel-driven understanding of sexual intimacy.

So my invitation is for parents to teach their children about the "S" word at home instead of them hearing it from an outside source. You want to be a good parent, then become your child's best friend.

Transition into Married Life

For this entry, I will focus on Newly Married couples. The reason for this is because I am new to this whole married thing and I know that as I share this it will help me see some of my faults and changes that I might need to make now than later in life. 

The top three things researchers have found that newly married couple face during their first five years of marriage are, "...time, sex, and money." The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship. According to Kreider (2005) "Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage, the highest happening during year three." Now you and I may wonder, WHY? 

Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly. 

Other people become prey to the stress that early marriage brings. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience. Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

 

This resources I am citing here comes from the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000).

Time

Newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same. Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority.

Sex

Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems around the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. 

Money

Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

 

Marriage is fun and all but it takes work. If you are someone who gives up easily on things, then getting married is going to be tough for you. You will have disagreements, misunderstanding and mix-messages, one thing you need to know is that they are happening only to strengthen your marriage for the future. We all need to make sure that we are doing the right thing and these little issues that we face during the first five years of marriage are preparing us for the future. Man up and work it out, give it your all and love each other no matter what your differences might be. Always remember why and how you fall in love with them in the first place.