Transition into Married Life

For this entry, I will focus on Newly Married couples. The reason for this is because I am new to this whole married thing and I know that as I share this it will help me see some of my faults and changes that I might need to make now than later in life. 

The top three things researchers have found that newly married couple face during their first five years of marriage are, "...time, sex, and money." The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship. According to Kreider (2005) "Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage, the highest happening during year three." Now you and I may wonder, WHY? 

Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly. 

Other people become prey to the stress that early marriage brings. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience. Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

 

This resources I am citing here comes from the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000).

Time

Newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same. Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority.

Sex

Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems around the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. 

Money

Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

 

Marriage is fun and all but it takes work. If you are someone who gives up easily on things, then getting married is going to be tough for you. You will have disagreements, misunderstanding and mix-messages, one thing you need to know is that they are happening only to strengthen your marriage for the future. We all need to make sure that we are doing the right thing and these little issues that we face during the first five years of marriage are preparing us for the future. Man up and work it out, give it your all and love each other no matter what your differences might be. Always remember why and how you fall in love with them in the first place.

Marriage

 What is marriage?

Noun: "marriage is legally or formally recognized union of a man and a woman as partners in a relationship" the web definition. According to psychologists today "marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bound that punitively lasts until death, but some marriages are cut short by divorce."
Here is my view on what marriage is being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints marriage is celestial. "Celestial or eternal marriage is an ordinance performed by priesthood authority in a temple of the church." With that being said, I believe and know that my marriage will continue forever beyond this life even after death. This eternal marriage is when a faithful man and woman become sealed to each other for time and all eternity.

So I believe that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God."
Why is marriage so significant?
From the scriptures we learn that "...what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." I will list out four things that shows the significant behind marriage. Here they are;

1. It is the beginning of the family and it is a life-long commitment. It provides one with the opportunity to grow in selflessness as you strive to serve the one you so dearly and truly call your wife and later in the future the children you’d raise together. I am sure that most of us think that marriage is just a physical union that is created between and man and a woman. It is not. Marriage is all, the physical union, the spiritual union and the emotion union. These are the same unions that mirrors what is between God and His Church that is here.
2. It is oneness. Marriage is a bond like no other, it is what gives us a life partner, a teammate, as we go through challenges together. 
3.  Marriage is and has been designed for purity. We live in world where we are bombarded by temptation every minute that comes from many directions. However, with that been said “marriage gives us the support to defeat that temptation by you becoming engaged in deep, satisfying love—a love that gives to, and receive from, our mate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
4. Marriage is also about parenting. As God did say to Adam while in the garden to multiple and replenish the earth. Well through adoption or bearing of a child families are created. This is one of life’s greatest blessings. 

Here is a personal thing about me. My family doesn't have the best record when it comes to marriage. I never really met my biological father because he died in the war in Freetown, Sierra Leone. My mother then ran into my step-father who ended up raising me throughout my childhood, youth and some of adulthood. While I was on my mission in New York for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my mother moved out of the house. This affected my mission for a long time. When I asked my mother she said "I am just tired of him, I just can't deal with it anymore." With that being said you might think this must make me a cynic when it comes to marriage, however for some unexplained reason, that is not the case. I believe that someone can fall in love with their best friend, grow old together, and even live happily ever after. I am now marriage to a wonderful woman and we strive everyday to make our marriage stay strong.
Here are just few ideas of how you can improve your married life or strengthen your relationship with your spouse. The ABC's of successful marriage;

• A-Absolutely adore each other, and accept yourself
• B- Be best friends, be fun, and be faithful
• C-Compromise, celebrate and committed
• D-Discover new things together 
• E-Encourage each other
• F-Forgive and forget 
• G- Gaze into each others eyes
• H- Hold hands and hugs a lot
• I-inspire and intrigue each other
• J-Joke and laugh and have fun
• K-Keep each other's secrets
• L-Love with your whole heart
• M-Marvel at each other's talents
• N-Nurture each other's soul
• O-Overcome problem together 
• P-Play games
• Q-Quiet each other's fears
• R-Remember the little things
• S-Say "I love you" everyday
• T-Take time for tenderness
• U-Understand and care deeply for each other
• V-Value everything you share
• W-Wish each other even for little things
• X-Press your true feelings 
• Y-Yearn for each others touch
• Z-zzzz in each other's arm (this is my favorite one) 

I am not a perfect man, however, I know that as we do our best to do these things that sound so simple our relationship with the one we say "I love you to" will grow increasingly.

I cannot say that I am a pro when it comes to marriage. I have only been married for almost seven months. So believe me when I say I am not a pro at all. You might know more that me and I really would like to hear your thoughts regarding this topic.

Gender roles within the family!

Parents have a role in socializing gender: Dress boys and girls differently, select toys based on gender, and often react negatively if they behave in ways they think are gender inappropriate.
Gender Stereotypes Males: controlling and manipulating the environment; independent, assertive, dominant, competitive.
Females: relatively passive, loving, sensitive, and supportive in social relationships, especially in their family roles as wife and mother. Warmth in personal relationships, the display of anxiety under pressure, and the suppression of overt aggression and sexuality as more appropriate for women than men. These stereotypes are true cross-culturally as well. This implies that the origins of these stereotypes does not lie in local cultures. But there are some variations. For example, African American families encourage girls to be aggressive and assertive. On the other hand, the sex stereotypes that men are more aggressive than women and women more inter-personally sensitive than men are very robust, even among more educated people, both sexes, all social classes.

The differences we have is what help define us. 

The effct of money on parenting style

We all know that social status and wealth can afford children opportunities, letting children struggle and providing them time to bond with friends and family is also a valuable parenting style.

Researchers have found that "Middle class families can typically afford to spend more time and money on their children: After-school activities, organized sports, more time reading to their children, and imparting their knowledge and skills. By providing their children opportunities that are not taught in school, middle class parents ultimately positively influence school performance and future job opportunities." In contrast, working class families have less time and disposable income for child rearing. Called the Natural Growth style of parenting, it favors unstructured play with more involvement of extended family in child-rearing. Working class parents tend not to “over-schedule” their children’s time or care much about cultivating their children’s talents and interests. They tend to be authoritarian, with children following commands without negotiation.

 It is good for us to offer our children all we have, however, if you let them have it all we will withhold them from progressing and meeting their potentials. So let us be careful with the opportunities we offer. We want our children to love us, not for them to love the things that we get for them. Money can buy anything but to me money cannot by love.

Love is something that one has to earn!

Family rules!

 
Oh family rule are they good or bad for our children? Are they a blessing or are they just a way for parents to keep their children under control? These are all wonderful and thoughtful questions.

Well each family has its own rules. Rules help a family to get a balance between respecting each others needs and getting what they want. The right set of rules will let children have freedom but at the same time help them to feel safe and loved.

Family rules can help family members get along better, and make family life more peaceful. Effective rules are positive statements about how your family wants to look after and treat its members. When these rules are stated clearly and unambiguously, they help:

• children and young people learn where the limits are, and what's expected of them.
• adults be consistent in the way they treat younger family members.

When we sit these rules, it is important for us to involve all members of the family as as possible. Children as young as three can have meaningful discussions with parent about what rules are why they're needed. Children who are involve in rule-making will give the children a valuable experience in taking responsibility for their own behavior.

• Involving your child in creating both the family rules and the consequences for breaking them helps her understand and accept them.

Choose the most important things to make rules about. You might develop rule about:

• safety
• manners
• politeness
• daily routines
• how you treat each other

Every family’s rules will be different. The standards you create will be influenced by your beliefs, values, your situation and your child’s maturity and needs. Rules come in different shapes and sizes. But all good rules have something in common: they are specific and easy to understand.

I love this family rule "In this home we are real. We make mistakes, we give second chances, we have fun! We say I'm sorry. We forgive. We give hugs, we are patient, we love, we are family." Now this is a simple rule. A family rule that's not fun adds more stress to the children, the parents and most of all the entire family. Choose rules that you the parent will enjoy and that they children will also enjoy. The only way this will happen is when we involve the children in coming up with these rules.

This will be it for today. As I said before comments are always welcome. Tell me about your family rules both the ones you like and the one that you hated and why you hated those rules.