Divorce!

So divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body. You may have a different opinion about what I am sharing, I just want to say that is totally fine I am not writing this to offend anyone or to change your views. When a man and a woman get married, they are entering into a solemn covenant with each other. You are promising to be with each and no one else. With that been said, every effort should be made to keep the promise you've made to each other to preserve your marriage.
Marriage is work, work, and more work.

On here I will list some of the reason why people might divorce each other;
1. Cheating: Many respondents said that if their partner cheated on them, they would end the relationship. Although not every couple felt this way. Some respondents indicated a willingness to work through infidelity; however, many thought they could not. The person who did the cheating may be repentant but the person who was cheated on often feels so betrayed that they can’t get past it. They continue to punish their partner for the deep hurt they feel and the relationship often crumbles.
2. Dishonesty: Some believe that dishonesty involves only those incidents when they deliberately say things they know to be untrue, so neglecting to tell the truth is not seen as dishonesty. For others, anything that can be misleading from the truth, whether verbal or simply not expressed, is viewed as a lie. Many people in happy relationships said if their spouse lied to them, they may not be able to continue the relationship.
3. Addictions: For many, an addiction is something that cannot be forgiven, particularly if in the beginning of the relationship the addiction was not known or did not exist. Some addiction deal breakers were drug and alcohol problems, gambling or pornography. In addition to the first two concerns, addictions create trust issues. Many people felt they would not be able to count on their significant other to be consistent in his/her behavior and to put the relationship before anything else.

4. Abuse: Many people stated that if their spouse hit them, or physically or sexually abused their children, the relationship would be over. While there are many people who opt to stay in physically abusive relationships and some spouses who look the other way if their children are abused by their spouse, many people would not allow themselves or their children to be abused in that way especially by someone who promised to love them. This, again, can be boiled down to a trust issue.
5. Major changes in priorities: Major changes in priorities can cause an end in a marriage. People grow and change; sometimes they grow together in the same direction and other times they grow apart. There are other people who never change and are the same person fifty years into the marriage. What can be problematic and end relationships is when one or both partners change their priorities in ways that are unacceptable to their spouse. Some people mentioned a major change in religious beliefs and practices could strain the relationship, some people talked about putting jobs or children before the marriage and yet others complained of drastic changes in friendships or relationships with in-laws.

We all have this expectation that our loved one is the person we know best, someone who will always have our back. When something happens that will shake our belief, it rocks the foundation of our relationship that we have with them.
All I want to say is that marriage is loads of patients, if you are not patient don't think that you would change. As I said before marriage is work, work, and more work. You create the kind of marriage you want to have with your spouse. When divorce comes or think of it is us giving up and wanting whats best for just you not the other person.  So don't give up keep working at it and make it work no matter what it takes.

The Key to Creative Parenting: Growing Together!

I will share with you a short poem by an Anonymous person;
If a child lives with criticism,
She learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
She learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
She learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
She learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
She learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
She learns to find love in the world.

Parenting can be frustrating and burdensome. However, when seen as an opportunity for personal growth for adults, parenting is one of the most creative and affirming experiences that life offers. It can be a mutual growth process for both parents and children. A parents lives is fulfilled through the realization of integrity in their children. With that been said, the full meaning of parenthood comes in later life.

So when we are raising children, we are given the chance to improve ourselves and to broaden our own personal horizons as we model to our children the qualities we would like to see in them. There are other times that children give parents the chance to become the parents we wish that we had.

Because each one is born with unique potentials, children develop their own personality styles, temperamental rhythms, moral values, and interests. Still parents exert strong influences on these qualities, as do peers, teachers, and society during the school years.

We are relying on the opinions of experts now than we ever have before. We need to stop relying so much on experts opinions of how to raise our children. Yes, they might have done research on how to raise children but some of these experts researches cannot be trusted. Come up with a parenting style that works for you and your family, what should matter is that it should be a parenting style that will help you and your family grow together. Growing together as a family is what parenting should always be about.

Educated Mothers

Every child can and should appreciate the value of their mother. Let me tell you a little story about my mother.

As some of you know that I am from Freetown, Sierra Leone. My mother is the not educated when it comes to going to high school, college and beyond, but one thing I can tell you is that my mother is educated in other ways that makes me appreciate her more than ever. She went to tie dying school, she self taught herself how to weave clothing. Here is what weaving is:

This was just some of the things that my mother educated herself so that she can pay for my tuition well I mean for my sister and I. From my mother I was able to learn that "mothers are the strongest role models for children's education." Because of all her hard work and wanting me to receive a higher education than she did here I am at Brigham Young University-Idaho about to finish my undergraduate degree in Psychology with an emphasis in Health Psychology. 
I am so grateful for all she does for me and the excitement she shows continuously in my education.  I love her for that and appreciate her. I am now married to a wonderful women. The smartest person I know, the most beautiful person on the face of the planet. I know that for sure one day she will be a wonderful mother and will want our children to receive all the education they can. Here is a picture of my lovely, adorable, intelligent wife.

 

Before we both decided to become eternal companions she knew what my thoughts where about education. She knows that this wont be easy but she is determined to finish her bachelors degree in something that she knows is worth studying and something that will be beneficial to our future family. I just want to stand by this word, that a women doesnt need to go to school to receive the best education. If they are willing to learn new things they can learn it as long as they put they mind to it and give it there all.

It's about Communication

I do not have much experience about this topic but I will do my best to share some information due to research that I have read and one that I feel help.

When we all get married we are blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon.
Here is a short story about couple: "Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage. One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, "What's for dinner?" She would hear, "I can't believe you haven't prepared dinner again tonight!"
She would say, "What time are you coming home?" I would hear, "You better get here and help me because you're never here.""We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming"

1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.
You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.
A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.


3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.
The book of Proverbs tells us, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!" (15:23).

4. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge." Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you're not sure if your spouse is getting what you're talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: "What do you mean by that?" Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying … ?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said. The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring.

5. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.
This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We've become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by. Here is what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer:

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.

Start praying together. Pray regularly as a couple. Pray for each other in your individual prayer. The more your together and the more your pray for each other is what will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.

Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we're willing to apply some intentional principles. We've all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.

Family Crisis

What is a Family Crisis?
Family crisis are life events, present and past, that have produced change in the functional state of family members.
In this post I will focus mainly on how to defuse a family crisis within our homes.
-Active listening
Active listening is perhaps the most important technique for defusing a crisis. For many families in crisis, active listening may be all that is needed to restore family functioning. Active listening with families may involve:
-- Encouraging the expression of feelings;
-- Reflecting feelings expressed by the family;
-- Normalizing the family's reactions;
-- Conveying acceptance of the family, but not of destructive behaviors;
-- Focusing on the "here and now";
-Modeling a sense of humor and fun
Some families need to be able to relax and take themselves and their situations less seriously. Showing a sense of humor about one's own mistakes lets families know that no one is perfect and that laughter is sometimes the best medicine. Many families in crisis can benefit by setting aside time for fun or social activities.

These two to me are very important to solving and bring the family back. We never want these situations to last long, we want them to be as short as possible so that they don't take a huge toll on the family. 

This week its all about the "S" word "SEX"

I love this scripture and these verses. I just want to start out with this:

"Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (1 Cor 7:2-5). 

With that being said, I hope that we understand how marriage is something that is very important. Let us turn our attention to sex and gender differences.

Gender and Physiology 

Men and women are different. These differences are something that we debate on occasionally, when it comes to sex, they are real and very clear. However, this is something that many couples fail to reflect on and integrate into an understanding of how to be successful partners. 

Arousal patterns

As men we are quick to be aroused and also quick to achieve orgasm. The "spike" rises sharply and drops off just as sharply. Research has found that "men are especially aroused visually". Women are aroused more slowly and after achieving orgasm, they tend to remain at a high plateau of arousal before dropping off.

As you have read above these are very different physiological patterns. NO wonder why it is very challenging for couples to really experience mutual satisfaction. We cannot and must not ignore these; instead we must and should incorporate them into our lovemaking process. The simplest way to do this is, regardless of who initiates the foreplay, is for men to focus on pleasuring their wives, bringing them to an initial orgasm before focus is given to bringing the male to orgasm. 

If you don't mind me, I would like to share some of my views on this matter. Being raised as a Latter-Day Saint is a wonderful thing, as we are taught that sexual intimacy is very sacred and it's between a man and a woman legally and lawfully married. In some LDS homes this topic is not allowed. I will say no. This is a topic that should be spoken about at home. Why, you may ask? Because if your kids learn it somewhere else, they won't feel comfortable talking to you about it since you never talked to them about it. I get that we all want to be that parent who their child loves. But this is one of the most important things to gain that and build great communication patterns with them. The "S" word is not supposed to be a taboo in LDS homes.

Parents need to know that “It is not just a talk about sexuality; it’s a conversation about our God-given feelings and our aspirations of what we can become as families.” —Lee Gibbons. Whatever your hesitations or fears are, it is vital that you discuss sexual intimacy with your children on an ongoing basis. Children and teenagers are regularly bombarded with damaging ideas about sex, and you have the opportunity to help them create a positive, gospel-driven understanding of sexual intimacy.

So my invitation is for parents to teach their children about the "S" word at home instead of them hearing it from an outside source. You want to be a good parent, then become your child's best friend.

Transition into Married Life

For this entry, I will focus on Newly Married couples. The reason for this is because I am new to this whole married thing and I know that as I share this it will help me see some of my faults and changes that I might need to make now than later in life. 

The top three things researchers have found that newly married couple face during their first five years of marriage are, "...time, sex, and money." The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship. According to Kreider (2005) "Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage, the highest happening during year three." Now you and I may wonder, WHY? 

Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly. 

Other people become prey to the stress that early marriage brings. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience. Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

 

This resources I am citing here comes from the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000).

Time

Newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same. Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority.

Sex

Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems around the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. 

Money

Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

 

Marriage is fun and all but it takes work. If you are someone who gives up easily on things, then getting married is going to be tough for you. You will have disagreements, misunderstanding and mix-messages, one thing you need to know is that they are happening only to strengthen your marriage for the future. We all need to make sure that we are doing the right thing and these little issues that we face during the first five years of marriage are preparing us for the future. Man up and work it out, give it your all and love each other no matter what your differences might be. Always remember why and how you fall in love with them in the first place.

Marriage

 What is marriage?

Noun: "marriage is legally or formally recognized union of a man and a woman as partners in a relationship" the web definition. According to psychologists today "marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bound that punitively lasts until death, but some marriages are cut short by divorce."
Here is my view on what marriage is being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints marriage is celestial. "Celestial or eternal marriage is an ordinance performed by priesthood authority in a temple of the church." With that being said, I believe and know that my marriage will continue forever beyond this life even after death. This eternal marriage is when a faithful man and woman become sealed to each other for time and all eternity.

So I believe that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God."
Why is marriage so significant?
From the scriptures we learn that "...what therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." I will list out four things that shows the significant behind marriage. Here they are;

1. It is the beginning of the family and it is a life-long commitment. It provides one with the opportunity to grow in selflessness as you strive to serve the one you so dearly and truly call your wife and later in the future the children you’d raise together. I am sure that most of us think that marriage is just a physical union that is created between and man and a woman. It is not. Marriage is all, the physical union, the spiritual union and the emotion union. These are the same unions that mirrors what is between God and His Church that is here.
2. It is oneness. Marriage is a bond like no other, it is what gives us a life partner, a teammate, as we go through challenges together. 
3.  Marriage is and has been designed for purity. We live in world where we are bombarded by temptation every minute that comes from many directions. However, with that been said “marriage gives us the support to defeat that temptation by you becoming engaged in deep, satisfying love—a love that gives to, and receive from, our mate physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 
4. Marriage is also about parenting. As God did say to Adam while in the garden to multiple and replenish the earth. Well through adoption or bearing of a child families are created. This is one of life’s greatest blessings. 

Here is a personal thing about me. My family doesn't have the best record when it comes to marriage. I never really met my biological father because he died in the war in Freetown, Sierra Leone. My mother then ran into my step-father who ended up raising me throughout my childhood, youth and some of adulthood. While I was on my mission in New York for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my mother moved out of the house. This affected my mission for a long time. When I asked my mother she said "I am just tired of him, I just can't deal with it anymore." With that being said you might think this must make me a cynic when it comes to marriage, however for some unexplained reason, that is not the case. I believe that someone can fall in love with their best friend, grow old together, and even live happily ever after. I am now marriage to a wonderful woman and we strive everyday to make our marriage stay strong.
Here are just few ideas of how you can improve your married life or strengthen your relationship with your spouse. The ABC's of successful marriage;

• A-Absolutely adore each other, and accept yourself
• B- Be best friends, be fun, and be faithful
• C-Compromise, celebrate and committed
• D-Discover new things together 
• E-Encourage each other
• F-Forgive and forget 
• G- Gaze into each others eyes
• H- Hold hands and hugs a lot
• I-inspire and intrigue each other
• J-Joke and laugh and have fun
• K-Keep each other's secrets
• L-Love with your whole heart
• M-Marvel at each other's talents
• N-Nurture each other's soul
• O-Overcome problem together 
• P-Play games
• Q-Quiet each other's fears
• R-Remember the little things
• S-Say "I love you" everyday
• T-Take time for tenderness
• U-Understand and care deeply for each other
• V-Value everything you share
• W-Wish each other even for little things
• X-Press your true feelings 
• Y-Yearn for each others touch
• Z-zzzz in each other's arm (this is my favorite one) 

I am not a perfect man, however, I know that as we do our best to do these things that sound so simple our relationship with the one we say "I love you to" will grow increasingly.

I cannot say that I am a pro when it comes to marriage. I have only been married for almost seven months. So believe me when I say I am not a pro at all. You might know more that me and I really would like to hear your thoughts regarding this topic.

Gender roles within the family!

Parents have a role in socializing gender: Dress boys and girls differently, select toys based on gender, and often react negatively if they behave in ways they think are gender inappropriate.
Gender Stereotypes Males: controlling and manipulating the environment; independent, assertive, dominant, competitive.
Females: relatively passive, loving, sensitive, and supportive in social relationships, especially in their family roles as wife and mother. Warmth in personal relationships, the display of anxiety under pressure, and the suppression of overt aggression and sexuality as more appropriate for women than men. These stereotypes are true cross-culturally as well. This implies that the origins of these stereotypes does not lie in local cultures. But there are some variations. For example, African American families encourage girls to be aggressive and assertive. On the other hand, the sex stereotypes that men are more aggressive than women and women more inter-personally sensitive than men are very robust, even among more educated people, both sexes, all social classes.

The differences we have is what help define us. 

The effct of money on parenting style

We all know that social status and wealth can afford children opportunities, letting children struggle and providing them time to bond with friends and family is also a valuable parenting style.

Researchers have found that "Middle class families can typically afford to spend more time and money on their children: After-school activities, organized sports, more time reading to their children, and imparting their knowledge and skills. By providing their children opportunities that are not taught in school, middle class parents ultimately positively influence school performance and future job opportunities." In contrast, working class families have less time and disposable income for child rearing. Called the Natural Growth style of parenting, it favors unstructured play with more involvement of extended family in child-rearing. Working class parents tend not to “over-schedule” their children’s time or care much about cultivating their children’s talents and interests. They tend to be authoritarian, with children following commands without negotiation.

 It is good for us to offer our children all we have, however, if you let them have it all we will withhold them from progressing and meeting their potentials. So let us be careful with the opportunities we offer. We want our children to love us, not for them to love the things that we get for them. Money can buy anything but to me money cannot by love.

Love is something that one has to earn!

Family rules!

 
Oh family rule are they good or bad for our children? Are they a blessing or are they just a way for parents to keep their children under control? These are all wonderful and thoughtful questions.

Well each family has its own rules. Rules help a family to get a balance between respecting each others needs and getting what they want. The right set of rules will let children have freedom but at the same time help them to feel safe and loved.

Family rules can help family members get along better, and make family life more peaceful. Effective rules are positive statements about how your family wants to look after and treat its members. When these rules are stated clearly and unambiguously, they help:

• children and young people learn where the limits are, and what's expected of them.
• adults be consistent in the way they treat younger family members.

When we sit these rules, it is important for us to involve all members of the family as as possible. Children as young as three can have meaningful discussions with parent about what rules are why they're needed. Children who are involve in rule-making will give the children a valuable experience in taking responsibility for their own behavior.

• Involving your child in creating both the family rules and the consequences for breaking them helps her understand and accept them.

Choose the most important things to make rules about. You might develop rule about:

• safety
• manners
• politeness
• daily routines
• how you treat each other

Every family’s rules will be different. The standards you create will be influenced by your beliefs, values, your situation and your child’s maturity and needs. Rules come in different shapes and sizes. But all good rules have something in common: they are specific and easy to understand.

I love this family rule "In this home we are real. We make mistakes, we give second chances, we have fun! We say I'm sorry. We forgive. We give hugs, we are patient, we love, we are family." Now this is a simple rule. A family rule that's not fun adds more stress to the children, the parents and most of all the entire family. Choose rules that you the parent will enjoy and that they children will also enjoy. The only way this will happen is when we involve the children in coming up with these rules.

This will be it for today. As I said before comments are always welcome. Tell me about your family rules both the ones you like and the one that you hated and why you hated those rules.

Why have kids?

  
This is a question that I feel like couple tend to ask regularly. When we take the time to turn to grandparents or great-grandparents why they will give us baffled look and say something like this "that's just what married couples did." We don't have to do things out of tradition or expectation. We are more likely to have kids as a statement, or as a lifestyle choice.

I don't know if we all remember when the 2008 economic crunch hit. That was when people became more likely to look beyond their wallets in order for them to experience the good things of life. From the Bible we've been taught that children are a blessing, but this message seems at odds with the headaches our culture insists that children bring.

Babies shape our souls

They require great care - especially as they transition from toddlers to teenagers. Children shape our souls like few other things in life, conditioning us to be more other-centered and to take a longer view of life. Many people read the headlines and are convinced that this world is too unstable - how can one subject children to such a place? Yes, raising a child in this current culture is not easy, however, while the fear of anxiety are natural emotions, the choice to be fruitful is an enduring and courageous encounter with hope.

Babies are described as in The Mystery of Children by Mike Mason as "renewers, ground-breakers and world-shakers, bearers of new seed, herald of a new age." So instead of us letting the problems of our current culture around us frighten us away from having children, we should recognize God's way of using new life to fix those problems, by bring renewal and fresh hope.

I just want to end with these words “As we look into the eyes of a child, we see a fellow son or daughter of God who stood with us in the pre-mortal life,” said Elder Neil L. Andersen of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “It is a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God. We believe in families, and we believe in children.”

The thing that matters most to me is my family. Coming home to the person that loves you and will always be there for you is what family is to me. I live by the quote, "Leave someone better than the way you found them."
This quote says it all for me, "The family is both the fundamental unit of society as well as the root of culture. It ... is a perpetual source of encouragement, advocacy, assurance, and emotional refueling that empowers a child to venture with confidence into the greater world and to become all that he/she can be" Marianna E. Neifert. On this blog I will be posting insights and thoughts from my Family Relations class at BYU-Idaho.